It’s the end of March.
For most of my adult life, March has been the best month—start to finish.
It’s the beginning of spring. The weather starts to shift, and everything feels like it’s waking up again. It’s always felt like a season for new beginnings—both in nature and in life.
Some of the biggest moments of my life have happened in March.
I got married in March. I got divorced in March. I started my current career in March.
For better or worse, this month has always marked a turning point.
But this year feels different.
It’s hitting harder than I expected. I’m still excited. But that usual rush, that euphoria I normally feel this time of year, hasn’t shown up…yet.
What’s Different This Year
I’ve been dealing with health issues since early November.
What started as an allergic reaction to hair dye turned into hospital visits, doctor’s appointments, MRIs, testing… and still no definitive answers.
My body feels unpredictable. Unstable.
And for someone who is used to pushing through, staying active, and being in control—it’s been a hard adjustment.
I’m frustrated. But more than that, I’m scared.
When you already have an autoimmune disorder like multiple sclerosis, it’s not uncommon to develop another. That possibility has been sitting in the back of my mind, getting louder on the hard days.
I’m still young. I still feel like there’s so much life and adventure ahead of me.
And I don’t want that to be muted by more health issues.
The Internal Conflict
My birthday has always been one of my favorite days of the year.
Usually, it starts with brunch and mimosas with the girls, followed by bingo at a local dive bar with the whole friend group. Cheap beer, laughter, everyone together.
It’s simple, but it’s mine.
This year, I’m not sure what that looks like.
I can’t drink right now. I’ve been dealing with frequent vestibular migraines, even with medication. And there’s this constant fear sitting in the background that I’ll have an episode and somehow ruin the day.
Not just for myself, but for everyone else too.
I don’t want to be the reason the energy shifts.
I don’t want to be the “Debbie Downer” on my own birthday.
And then there’s the comparison.
In past years, I’ve booked spontaneous solo trips to Universal Studios or planned out-of-town girls’ weekends without a second thought. I was always moving, always doing something.
Now, I feel this pressure to be that version of myself again.
And the truth is—I don’t know if I can be her this year.
It’s a strange feeling, not knowing how to celebrate a version of yourself that you don’t fully understand yet.
Small Truths
Over the past few months, I’ve canceled more plans than I can count. Missed workouts. Backed out last minute.
My energy is lower than it’s ever been.
And I’ve had to start making choices that don’t feel natural to me.
Saying no.
Slowing down.
Putting myself first.
I used to be the fun one. The reliable one. The one who always showed up.
This version of me is different.
And if I’m being honest, there’s a part of me that is grieving the person I was just a few months ago.
A Shift in Perspective
But there’s also this:
I’ve learned—maybe more than ever—how to be grateful.
I have an incredible group of friends who love me and show up for me, no matter what version of me walks into the room.
I have family who just wants to spend time with me.
I have people in my life who don’t need me to be “on” all the time to still see my value.
And that means everything.
At the end of the day, I’m still here.
I’m still breathing. Still growing. Still becoming someone.
Even if it looks different than I thought it would.
Maybe this birthday won’t be about going all out.
Maybe it won’t look like the years before.
But it’s still mine.
And maybe, this year, that’s enough.
XO,
Samantha Jo